`Come we stay` is a system that many partners like using it thinking that they can get the right partner to marry, but at this time they try to observe each other’s behavior if they could be a perfect couple in life, many of them succeed and end up getting married.
But after some time hell breaks loose and the house is on fire, no peace at home any more the honeymoon is over, and no-one is calling the other sweet names any more.
At the time of ‘come we stay’, the lovers don’t think that each of them will try to hide his or her bad behavior so that they may be able to marry. After that everyone starts showing his or her true colors; this is the mistake that many of them make and end up regretting why he or she got married.
This is a system that the new generation likes applying, but not thinking that its not the best way to get a partner as they assume as the man will either start dating other women or the lady could also start dating other men too and yet they are staying together.
Hear the story of Miriam and Polo. Polo observed that monogamy didn’t seem to work very well. He grew up in a dysfunctional family and saw a lot of harmful dynamics. He tried dating serially, but while he wanted to establish a strong bond with someone, he found he was still attracted to other women and wanted to be able to interact with them as well.
He saw friends who got divorced, single parents raising kids, old people who were dying alone. These seemed to be signs of a society that wasn’t functioning very well. He also thought that more than two people could be more secure financially.
When he was in his late twenties, Polo started exploring polyandry. By the time he met Miriam, he’d been married for 13 years and then divorced his first wife who had initially agreed to polyandry, but then she became fairly reclusive, and he found himself mostly engaging in his social life alone.
This wasn’t what he wanted at all, so he finally recognized the marriage wasn’t working and got divorced. He says he interviewed Rose very carefully as they were getting together he’d been hit by the bait and switch routine.
Some women were polyandrous, but as soon as they got closer they wanted monogamy. He wanted to avoid going through that again. One of the hazards of going against the dominant paradigm is that some potential partners don’t realize how deeply engrained monogamy is in them.
Theoretically they think they can handle polyandry, but they haven’t updated their assumptions about relationships enough to make it work. Other people may not take the stated intention to be polyandrous seriously.
Polo is clear that monogamy is not his preferred state, and let prospective partners know that. It’s not easy for him to find women to date, because 90 per cent of those I talk to about it ran screaming in the other direction, and it never goes any further than that.
Many people he talks with have a hard time understanding that he’s not cheating on his wife, but in fact wants them to meet her.
Miriam came into polyandry through a very different path. When she was young, she didn’t have a lot of self-esteem. She really wanted to be liked, and was afraid that if someone asked her to have sex, and she refused, they wouldn’t like her. So she started by having sex in order to be liked, and then it became a manipulative tool.
She’d have sex if someone would give her something or do something for her. That led to becoming a prostitute, though she prefers to call herself a former sex worker. It was a way to make money, though she did get a rush from the fact that it was illegal. During that time she did a lot of drugs as well, including IV (intravenous) drugs. She recognizes that she was cut off from her heart and her spirituality, though she did take pride in doing her job well.
At some point, Miriam realized that what she was doing, or at least the way she was doing it, wasn’t healthy for her. She went into a four year period of celibacy so that she could examine what she wanted sexually, to see what that looked like. Once she got clear that she was okay with who she is, regardless of her sexual expression, she was ready to be sexual again.
He remarked: “I had a need to figure out how to accept myself, as not being wrong or broken or defective when I would be loving and in love with one person, and then I would fall in love with someone else at the same time. And in the old monogamous parade, that was a sin, and that was a bad thing, and it was just not done, and evil, evil, and it didn’t feel evil, wrong, or sinful, but it sure didn’t feel comfortable, because I didn’t have a container for it. So I started reading.”
She had to be brave and talk with people she might not normally have talked with, people who were on the fringe of society. Once she found the right groups on the internet, she found that there were lots of people like her, who could love more than one person at once, and not just platonically. They just didn’t live in her state in the Midwest .
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